Tthe Vacuum and the Void

The Vacuum and the Void

By Linda Marks

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In high school Science class, I remember hearing the line, "no life grows in a vacuum." I found myself contemplating what that meant even back then. More recently, I have found myself reflecting on what the difference is between a "void" and a "vacuum," especially this past year when things that mattered to me changed or ended, with nothing there to replace what I had lost.

Both "the void" and "the vacuum" can feel like an endless black hole when you are facing it. I don't know many people who look forward to that "black hole" feeling. It is scary. It is lonely. There is a lot of unknown. One can feel powerless while looking into the black hole. I know I often feel a knot in my stomach as I anticipate my descent into the black hole. Things feel out of control. And I don't know if there will be a light at the end of the tunnel or if things are really going to be okay when I am in the middle of the void.

I guess one benefit of having sat in the void quite a lot, not only this past year, but periodically over the course of my life, is I have learned to distinguish the difference between how I feel when I am actually in the void rather than in a vacuum. The void, while dark and full of unknowns, is actually a creative space. In time, there are flickers of new possibility, and a growing sense of vision of what is next. With faith, and a balance of allowing and acting, whatever is next does emerge and take form. I have come to believe the void is a lot like a womb--a chamber where new life can grow. It needs to be empty in order for new life to emerge and evolve.

A vacuum, on the other hand, is sterile. Over time, when I have sat in a vacuum, my energy has felt drained, my heart has felt heaviness and pain, and it doesn't seem to get better. In fact, if I find myself sitting in a vacuum long enough, my pain can become unbearable, and eventually, I start to feel numb. Rather than creating new life, like the void, the vacuum sucks the juice out of life.

I've thought a lot about "the void" and "the vacuum" as they apply to relationships. There are times when a friend, colleague or loved one distances and we are left in a "relational black hole," having to just wait and let as the other person chooses to re-engage or not. If a person is in a place of sincere not knowing, but keeps their cards on the table with you, so you know exactly where they stand--including the not knowing, a creative void space is set up. In time, if the person keeps doing their inner work and their relational work with you, they will become more clear and move to a "knowing" place. The process may be uncomfortable, but ultimately, it is fruitful, respectful and productive.

Continuation

On the other hand, if a person abruptly cuts off from another person, be it by blowing up the relationship with an angry gesture, suddenly pulling away or abandoning a loved one, or leaves someone hanging, the person "left behind" feels the pull of the vacuum. When a person does not "show up" and "do their work," and leaves a loved one "holding the emotional and psychic bag," they are actually "littering" emotionally and psychically. The person who "cuts and bails" or leaves a loved one hanging leaves a mess or a weight the person left behind has to clean up or move through on their own. The leaver may "vaporize," but there is an energetic trail of both the emotional/spiritual/physical connection and pain left behind in the wake of the sudden break of this connection.

When I have been abruptly "left" or "left hanging" with no space for my voice or for relational process work, I have often wondered how the other person can just "leave" so abruptly, and seem not to be bothered by their actions. Does the other person not realize we are all interconnected energetically, and that while they can physically leave and not talk to another person, they actually still leave an emotional and energetic gap? Does the person not realize that they matter or does the person forget that the other person, at least once a loved one, also matters? Many times in groups, when someone has been absent, they didn't realize the impact of their absence. I often tell people "your presence makes a difference and your absence leaves a gap."

I have been in relationships that needed to end where there has been a mutually respectful transition or ending process between the two people. At the end there may have still be a death to be mourned, however, there was still a spirit of love, respect and gratitude, and appreciation for the good that was shared over the course of the relationship. There is different energy in a murder and a slower, conscious death. The murder is shocking and violent. The slower, conscious death is sad, but easier to integrate and grieve through.

We really do a disservice to one another if instead of being able to face and work through whatever challenges and changes life brings, we leave another hanging or just cut and bail, never to be seen again. When people DO realize they need to "finish" old business, and DO engage with the necessary parties to do "safe and respectful completion," there is more peace and more of a sense of respectful resolution--even a kind of healing. If someone who left returns to make amends and allow healing with the person they left behind, a powerful energy shift takes place, including within the heart.

I truly wish people were more emotionally and relationally conscious, and realized that if we must leave or change an important relationship, it is actually much more loving and respectful to work through a transition with a friend, colleague or loved one than to abruptly cut things off. Why create a vacuum instead of a void? Even hard transitions can be done in a spirit of love and mutual respect!

Linda Marks, MSM has practiced heart-centered body psychotherapy with individuals, couples, families and groups for 25 years in Newton, MA. She has published Living With Vision: Reclaiming the Power of the Heart, Knowledge Systems, 1988, and Healing the War Between the Genders: The Power of the Soul-Centered Relationship, HeartPower Press, 2004, and hundreds of articles. Linda leads workshops on Healing the Traumatized Heart. She teaches in the College of Community and Public Service at UMass Boston. http://www.healingheartpower.com You can reach her at LSMHEART@aol.com.